Come Heal With Me; Week 12

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever...

This is week 12. In the book, it is headed "12."

Mother circled the number (it is one of the biblical numbers of completion) and wrote beside the word forever, "eternity."

From the Book: The author, Charles Allen, who hails from Atlanta, speaks of 5:00 traffic in the Georgia capitol city. He describes it as thrilling. The streets are filled with people, cars, buses... people are standing, running... and people are going home.

Be it ever so humble, he quotes John Howard Payne, there's no place like home.

But what about those who have nowhere to go? What about the homeless who inhabit the streets after dark, when the streets are devoid of all those who have left their work for the sanctity of home?

Mother Wrote: love, warmth, people

From the Book: David did not suggest that he might dwell in the house of the Lord forever but that he would. "I will," he penned.

David had never heard Jesus of Nazareth say, "I am the resurrection and the life" but David knew God.

My Notes: Da'at Elohim ... The knowledge of God.

Mother Wrote: I wonder, how intimately do we know God?

My Notes: As May nears, and with it Mother's Day and the anniversary of Mother's "going home" I am more aware than ever this concept of this not being our home. I imagine David writing or being inspired by "his 23rd psalm" in the lush fields where a shepherd boy may have led his sheep. For fodder. For water. For rest. Having been to Israel, I can picture the rolling hillsides, the deep blue of the skies, the bridal veil clouds. I know what it looks like to see the Golan Heights blush in the late afternoon sunlight. The land where David grew up, the land in which he ruled as king, was and is a magnificent sight.

But not so great as to keep him from desiring "home."

This earth is our place of rest. But 5:00 comes. For some of us, sooner than for the rest. But it comes. It's like that country hit, "It's 5:00 Somewhere."

Of course, I know that's about having a drink ... but it's also about coming to the end of the stresses, the labor, the dealings with people and problems all day long. It's about finding respite at the end of it all.

Mother has made it to 5:00.

When I was a girl growing up in her home, Mother liked to have a cup of coffee late in the afternoon. I suppose this was a lot like having a "spot of tea" were she in England. At times, friends came by and shared it with her. I used to watch them sipping from their cups, listen to them chatting. And I would think, "When I get to be a big girl, I can do this, too..."

When I was older, sure enough, it was my pleasure to share a cup of afternoon coffee with Mother.

Mother is having her 5:00 coffee with Jesus now. And my father...and her mother...and so many others who made it to 5:00 before her.

I'll be there one day. Right now, I'm still at work.

Come Heal with Me; Week 11

(Blogger's Note: I apologize that it has been a few weeks since my last post... bear with me as I walk through my own Vally of the Shadow...)

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life..."

Notes from the book: Mary Martin (in South Pacific) sang, "I'm stuck like a dope, with a thing called hope, I can't get it out of my heart..."

David said the same with his word "surely..." when thinking about God's goodness and mercy.

Mother's Notes: Love and Grace

My Notes: I decided to look up the word "surely." David, in his native Hebrew, would have written 'ak.

An emphatic "indeed."

"Certainly."

"Without a doubt."

Notes from the book: Even with all the disasters of the world, when we walk with God long enough--as David did--we come to trust that God will get us through the darkest valleys.

Mother's Notes: See Psalm 37 for "young now old"

My Notes: Psalm 37:25 reads: I have been young and now I am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread.

Notes from the Book: Professor Endicott Peabody (1857-1944), headmaster of Groton School for Boys (Groton, Mass) and the Episcopal priest who founded the school said in chapel, "Remember things in life will not always run smoothly...the great fact to remember is that the trend of civilization is forever upward." One of his students went on to proclaim to a hopeless nation, "The only thing to fear is fear itself." (Franklin D. Roosevelt)

Stop thinking disaster into your life. Instead, say with the Psalmist, "This is the day the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24).

Mother's Notes: START

My Notes: Mother wrote "start" as a personal note where to begin her teaching of this small section of the book. But I thought it ironic that she wrote START right where Charles Allen (the author) wrote "QUIT."

I think this is all about perspective, then. Whatever is going on in your life...how do you look at it? Losing Mother, for me, was about extreme pain and loss. For her, it was about reaching Heaven's Gates, seeing her Savior, dancing on streets of gold. Seeing, for the first time in many, many years her own mother. Joy untold.

Untold joy.

So many disasters are upon us today. Even within the last two weeks... earthquakes, tsunamis, flooding, dictators rising against people, people rising against government, war added to war added to war...

The earth quakes at the presence of God, I believe. Perhaps, then, what we see as disaster is God's move on his creation. It cannot help but shake when he comes near. I don't know... don't quote me on that. We all try to make sense of what we have seen.

Mothers fear their sons and daughters heading into another land in uprising. But the people who wait for foreign soldiers--wait in fear of their own government--beg us to hurry.

Perspective.

No matter what...surely...

Surely God's love and grace--his goodness and his mercy--will follow me...

I remember a teacher from high school, Jenny Jackson-Adams, who had two cats she named Goodness and Mercy. "They follow me everywhere," she told me.

She could see these little furry reminders of God's love as they scampered behind her. And so she named them...Goodness. And Mercy.

If I look behind me, what will I see? Will I see that God has always remained faithful (I've never seen the righteous forsaken...)? Will I see his hand directing my feet upon the path he laid for me? Of course I will.

Goodness and Mercy follow me... all the days of my life.

Come Heal with Me. Week 10

Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over...

Mother Wrote: Kaddesh

God, our holiness

God, our satisfaction

Toward the end of this section, which talks about how life can hurt and cut and bruise, Mother wrote "Start" where it says:

David says, "Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup... He didn't say "our heads" or "our cups."

It is the singular, personal pronoun.

All day long the shepherd is concerned with the flock. But as they go into the fold, he takes them one by one...

...He stand at the door of the fold and checks them one by one.

Mother Wrote: God has the power of the universe and the power to take care of me.

Mother Underlined Portions of: Remember how, as little children, we would bruise a finger or stub a toe. We would come running to Mama, who would kiss the hurt away. There was a mystic healing in her loving concern.

...a heart can be broken.

I Write: ...and so it can.

It's 9:35 p.m. This day has held more tears than I can imagine any day should. I took a shower not too long ago and cried more tears than I knew I had water within me. Certainly more than the spray splashing against my body and falling, along with my sorrow, to the tile beneath my feet.

Oh, my precious Jesus.

Do you see me at the gate?

Is there healing for my wounds?

Water for my thirst?

Rest for the tired and the weary?

If only life were about one day, one hurt.

If only we went out into the brutal world one time and return to the fold but once. Instead, we go out long day after long day. The path is familiar and yet still it's rocky. It rambles. It twists and turns.

If only...

Perhaps, I think, life hurts the most when we allow anything other than God to jockey for position of "satisfier."

Father, I am at the end of the day. I am tired. Broken. Bruised.

I am standing at the gate of the fold.

Do you see me?

Come Heal with Me, Week 9

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.

Notes from the Book: In the pastures of the Holy Land, where shepherds lead their flocks, poisonous plants grow. Thorny thistles, whose needles penetrate the soft nostrils of the sheep, sprout up along the landscape.

If the sheep are to eat without the risk of pain or death, the shepherd must first prepare the fields.

A table, if you will.

Mother's Notes in the Margins: Nissi

Our standard of victory

school

My Notes: This chapter is more about the role of parents to keep their children safe (preparing the table for them) than anything else. Right now, it speaks to me loud and clear. How like God that I should read it now when my teen is up in arms over the boundaries we've set and closely guard.

Mother wrote "school." I don't know why for sure, but I can guess. For years she worked in food services at the schools in Screven County. She not only took part in the preparation, so to speak, of making sure no child went hungry, she also helped prepare their hearts. She loved them with her words. With her hugs. They loved her back.

"Hey, Mrs. P!" I heard over and over, from the very young she'd loved on the week before to the young adult she'd loved on years before.

"There was hardly a life in Screven County Mama didn't touch," my brother said after her death.

He had that right...

"Jehovan Nissi" she wrote.

"The Lord Our Banner." (Reference Exodus 17: 8-15)

I'm not sure why she focused on this name for God. Why not Jehovah Jireh, the Lord my provider.

Unless, of course, the point is that when rearing children, we truly are at war. Mother knew. She saw what was happening to society as a whole. She didn't like it, either. She did more than just feed and hug and love. She prayed over these children, whether they knew it or not.

I hear her say, "Don't forget, honey, to raise your arms to the Lord in battle for your children. Pray and take authority over the enemy, who wants to steal the young minds. The tender hearts. But our God is stronger than any enemy who wages war against us."

My hands are lifted, Mother. Do you see them?

There is another enemy. Death. Oh, I know... death is merely the portal by which we reach heaven's gates. Oh, then death, where is your victory? Where is your sting?

But it is my enemy because it took Mother and Daddy from me and my brother and all those whose lives they touched. But not death is not their enemy. No. For them, death was the shepherd, providing the table, clearing away the thorns, the poisonous flowers that are pretty to behold but oh so dangerous to nibble upon.

I wonder... as they breathed their last, could they hear the whoosh of the linen tablecloth as it fell over the table? The clink-clink of fine china and crystal? Could they smell the polish from the silver? The sweet mingling aromas of foods being placed around the table, and between the candelabras?

A table prepared for them that day.

A table prepared for me...one day.

Come Heal with Me, Week 8

Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me...

Notes from the Book: The sheep is a helpless animal. It has no weapon with which to fight. It is easy prey to any wild beast of the field. It is afraid.

But the shepherd carries a rod, which is a heavy, hard club.

Mother's Notes: Word. It is written. Sheep pass under rod 2 B counted. Royal scepter. The HS in OT. Scroll & Prophets.

Book: Also, the shepherd carried a staff...

Mother: Spirit w/n us

Book: ... with his staff the shepherd could reach down, place the crook over the small chest of the [fallen] sheep and lift it back onto the pathway.

It is a comfort to know the shepherd will be able to meet any emergency.

Many times we feel helpless; then we find comfort in realizing the power of God.

Mother: Mighty.

Book: Thy rod and Thy staff...

Mother: Thy Word & Thy Spirit...our faith is our rod and staff.

My Notes: What is more helpless than lying in a hospital bed, brain not functioning, depending on tubes and bags and machines just to exist? What is more helpless than hearing your children call out, "I love you" and in hearing being unable to respond back with no more than the shake of a shoulder. What is more helpless than standing on a ledge, hanging in the balance between earth and heaven, steps away from the mountains that will lead you homeward? What is more helpless than standing at heaven's gate--like Esther before the king's presence--waiting for the royal scepter to extend to you, waiting for permission to enter in to the King's presence?

Mother always said that one of my greatest attributes is my faith in God. Believing Him, no matter what life throws my way. Believing in Him.

No matter what...

Life has thrown some curve balls my way. A cliche, I know, but it's true. Still I believe in God. I believe God.

So, then Lord...if what Mother said is true...if what Mother noted in the margins of this book is true, Your Word protects me. I believe that.

When Mother was lying in the hospital bed, I read Scriptures to her.

Praise God in His sanctuary; praise Him in His mighty heavens. Praise Him for His acts of power; praise Him for His surpassing greatness (Psalm 150:1,2 NIV).

I will bless You as long as I live; in Your name I will lift up my hands (Psalm 63:4 ESV).

Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28 NLT).

May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way(2 Thessalonians 3:16 NIV).

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid (John 14: 27 NKJV).

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him (1 Corinthians 2:9 NLT).

Over and over I read these verses. With each reading, Mother stirred. She recognized Abba's words of truth, even in her current state. No brain damage could take them away from her, so ingrained were they. They had been her guide for so long, they were not about to stop being so because of some silly little aneurysm. They were the stick she always crossed under. They were the rod by which she was counted.

Thy Spirit saves me when I slip and fall...

Yesterday I had a meeting to attend. As I drove to Panera (the meeting place), the events of this past year slipped into the car unnoticed, then crawled into the front seat with me. The tears I'd held back gushed from my eyes. No warning. No little trickle followed by a wave. They poured out like water onto sand.

I cannot cry now! I won't be able to drive...to meet...to continue on with this day with its many appointments...

The Hebrew word for spirit is "ruwach." It means, among other definitions, "breath."

The breath of God...

Yesterday, as the tears came and the traffic in front of me blurred, I heard a tender voice say, "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out..."

And so I did. And I felt God's Spirit wash over me. Calming me. Rescuing me with the Shepherd's staff.

This is not the front time I've slipped and fallen since Mother died. It won't be the last. But each time, there is a staff to draw me back to my Savior. There is a rod with which to count me among those who will live with Him forever.

A scepter extended that says, "Welcome home..."

There, I will stand with Mother...and Daddy...and all those I have loved and lost to Heaven (both now and in the future) and I will sing, "Worthy ... worthy... worthy..."

Great Shepherd. Mighty King! Everlasting Prince of Peace.

Amen!

Come Heal With Me; Week 7

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

Notes from the book: There is, the book says, an actual place called the Valley of the Shadow of Death in Israel. It stretches from Jerusalem to the Dead Sea and is a dangerous place for leading sheep. The Valley of the Shadow of Death is literally "the glen of doom" and can be many things, not just death.

Mother's notes: Lily of the Valley... Go through the valley to the mountain.

My notes:I know this area. I have seen it. Driven through it. Walked in it.

Lovely to behold. Dangerous, perhaps, to walk through.

The sheep are oblivious to the dangers, but the shepherd knows. The sheep think, "I have the shepherd; why should I worry?" while the shepherd trusts in his instincts...trusts in God.

The valley is not just death, Charles Allen wrote. But is there any valley deeper to walk through than death? Perhaps for the one passing over the valley to Heaven's Mountain, it is a place of peace and joy. A looking ahead to the moment of seeing God's face, to bask in the Presence of His glory, His magnificence. But for the one left behind or to be left behind...

It is an odd thing to watch someone die. To want the suffering to leave ("Death, come!") yet knowing that once it is over, it is done ("Death, stay away!").

I held Mother's hand. I watched it swell with fluid. I listened for days on end as machines pumped, as they breathed in and sighed. I held my own breath as she struggled with hers.

Rattling in the chest... danger on the mountain.

Suctioning meant struggle. Hers, physical. Mine, emotional.

Notes from the Book: I have said to many people in "the valley of the shadow of death" to get off by themselves in a quiet place. Quit struggling for a little while. Forget the many details. Stop your mind for a little while from hurrying on to the morrow and to the next year and beyond."

Mother's Notes: Sense peace.

Notes from the Book: Just stop. Become still and quiet.

Mother's Notes: Not easy.

My Notes: No, it's not...

But like the sheep wandering along the dangerous path, I am not alone. The Shepherd is with me. It is time, I think, to find moments of respite wherever and however I can find it. In the quiet places of my home, in the cafe of a bookstore, before the sparkling waters of a wide lake.

Find the Lily of the Valley, Eva... Stop long enough to drink in His beauty, to drink in His perfume.

"Be still and know that I am God" is just that.

It's being still.

It's knowing...

Blessed assurance...Jesus is mine.

Come Heal With Me; Week 6

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Notes from the book: The book's author, Charles L. Allen, writes of God's direction. Like a shepherd, He guides, he does not "drive" His sheep as would a cattle rancher. When decisions have to be made...which road to take, which path to choose...the shepherd guides.

Mother's Notes in the Margins: Tsid Kenue. God, our Righteousness.

My Notes: When I was in Israel in 2007, my dear friend and coauthor of Reflections of God's Holy Land; A Personal Journey Through Israel, Miriam Feinberg Vamosh pointed to the circular paths that wound around verdant hills. She said, "These are circular paths, made by the shepherds leading their sheep in a safe manner."

The paths don't lead up or down. The poor sheep, with their poor vision, would become afraid. Or worse, fall to their deaths.

Miriam said, "When David wrote about paths of righteousness, he was talking about circular paths."

Wherever God leads, there is safety.

I think now of that moment when my brother Van and I were led into that little, nicely-decorated room and given the bad news of Mother's current and future condition and what the doctors expected, which was the worse. I remember how I felt as I walked behind the doctors and in front of Van. It didn't seem real, and yet it was very much so.

I had gone online the day before and studied everything I could about Mother's condition and about the signs and symptoms I'd recorded from the medical personnel. I already knew about the Glascow Coma Score. I knew the brain damage was severe.

What I didn't know was why. Why had God brought us to this place, to hear this news. Would God, I wondered, lead us down a path in which Mother, who loved life and the living of it, could be solely dependent on one of us for her every need?

I said to my brother, "What I fear more than her dying, is her living."

For two days, we continued to allow God to guide. The path chosen was that he would take her Home to be with Him. And now, without her as our maternal and spiritual guide, we continue to follow Him in the days, weeks, months and years we are left without her.

I re-read that passage after taking my notes. He leads me in circular paths for righteousness sake.

Tside Kenue, Mother wrote. God, our righteousness.

So what if God leads us down those circular paths in order to bring about his own plan of righteousness or for righteousness sake? What was gained out of all this?

Mother reached her eternal reward, yes.

But Van and me? We are a little more spiritually wise, a little more spiritually broken. But I don't think we will fully know for a while yet all that God had/has in mind.

After all, the sheep don't know they are on a safe path or where that path will lead. They only know to follow their shepherd; that he will care for them, guide and direct them, along the way. We can ask for no more from our Shepherd, can we?

Proverbs 3:6: In all thy ways acknowledge him and he will direct they paths.